the new adventures of old marissa.

It's been too long, beloved blog.
I've been too busy.
I've neglected you.
Rather than get my feelings out through my fingertips and into the vast universe of internet (thank you Al Gore, I'm forever indebted), I've bottled things up and carried myself forward.

People note I'm distracted, somewhere else, deep in thought...
No, I'm not having an affair.
I'm just so busy in my brain that I go from one thought to another... oh look, a shiny string! ... another thought, another...

So let's back up a bit.

6 months ago I graduated VALEDICTORIAN from mortuary school. That little surprising ditty sent my brain into auto-unfocus. I wish they'd told me before the actual graduation ceremony. I went through graduation in a haze of disbelief, neglecting to get pictures of myself with classmates. Oh well, there are a handful of those people I hope to never encounter again in this lifetime. Shocking newsflash, there are some morticians out there that are just plain weird.

I digress....

Within weeks of graduation, I sent out 17 resumes. Heard "great resume but bad economy, we're not hiring" from a few, heard nothing from most but landed myself an interview and job offer within days of sending them out. Awesome, right?

wrong.

I worked for 3 months in hell. I'm telling you people, get right with God because I've experienced hell and it ain't pretty. The people in charge are chain smokers who smoke in the building, skanking up your hair. I didn't even think it was legal to smoke in businesses anymore. Oh wait, it isn't.

One day I realized this just wasn't going to work for me. Mind you, it was actually my first day on the job but decided I had to give it a fair shake. After 3 months of hell, even far-too-often-self-loathing me didn't hate myself enough to continue working in these conditions. I actually, no shit, pondered on occasion if I was on candid camera for the absurd ridiculousness of the place.

This particular afternoon I felt an amazing/frightening epiphany. I undoubtedly decided I'd rather take my new career, one I had dreamed over for years upon years and worked so hard for, and toss it alongside a MF'ing stretch of desolated road than to continue working in this fine establishment.

Make no mistake, I was grateful for a job. Our economy and job market in my area blows. When I'd been informed of such for about the 30th time during my short time in hell, I realized how very stuck I not only felt but that someone else realized my predicament too.

I will miss their memos though. Weekly memos announcing how to get fired that week. My favorite was about how to get fired by using the vacuum incorrectly. After vacuuming the entire funeral home, sweating like a pig in my business suit until nearly midnight one night, I'd fired and rehired myself 3 times.

When I'd taken my last screaming rant for performing a task I was asked to do by one person yet deemed not to be performed by me by another ("why in the hell would you ever do that?! do not ever take initiative..." ~ screamed words at me, true story), I decided to take back control of my life... and my frickin' initiative.

On an inner-dare of initiative, I approached my former company, the one I'd resigned from kicking & screaming because they didn't have a position for me to be promoted into after graduation.

I casually called and set up what they thought was a "hey what's new" chat... little did they know I was coming in, fully dress suited up, for an interview. I was interviewing myself for a job they didn't have.

Three months prior they'd wished me luck, written me a glowing letter of recommendation and set me free to the wolves of this world. I assured them, with a smile, that they'd miss me. Three months later they realized they did. I convinced (begged, pleaded) them to create a position for me.

This chic's still got it going on.
They created a job for me.

Sure it may only be a temporary position for my apprenticeship with no guarantee of a job beyond that. I'll take it and figure out the next step in my life when it comes. Baby steps to happiness, baby steps!

Resigning from hell was like removing a shackle/stock/noose from my neck.
I could breathe again.
I could feel my soul resettling within me... you know, the one they were attempting to suck unwillingly right out of me.
I no longer had to cry every day on either my drive to work, my drive home, and sometimes as an added bonus, both ways!

I started my new (old) job in July.
Never been happier.
It brought improvement to my psyche, my outlook on life, my marriage, my mood, the rain forests, 3rd world hunger, global warming, seal poaching... you name it, it improved.

I'm even dieting ~ down 9 lbs so far!
Only a million left to go but hey, at least I'm no longer in hell.

blog blog o' blog.

My life is so busy.
This blog is so dull.
I may have to say goodbye.

Or at least farewell
for now
until something more interesting comes up.

Crazy work schedule. Crazy home/sports/school schedule.
Repeat.

= my life.

almost a month?

it's really been almost a month since i last updated? wow. that time has flown by but then again it feels like eternity.

i've been working for 3 weeks now. it's an exhausting new schedule. i knew what kind of time commitment i was investing into this career but no one gave my feet a fair forewarning. they've been swollen, some days almost unrecognizable, since i'm standing 99.8% of my usual 10 hour days. naturalizer makes great shoes and since i bought 3 new pairs, i'm finding they're already helping.

the jury is still out as to whether this is "the place" for me. i've learned a ton already, enjoy the people and am keeping an open mind. 'nuff said.

i know i should feel so very blessed to have all that i have and i do! i have a great life, a great education, a job, etc....i just wish things could slow down or even just have my brain become acclimated a little better. between the roller coaster of school & life this past year away, then the national conference exam and now this new job, my brain has never truly shut off... or heck, even slowed down. i haven't relaxed, had a moment to myself nor been able to take the sunny vacation that i wanted to, have a graduation party or even enjoy being out of school. it's go go go, juggle juggle juggle, schedule conflict after schedule conflict. i know this is most peoples life. i get that. but it hasn't been mine. as a stay at home mom, i didn't have schedule conflict. hell, i didn't have a schedule. sick kid? no problem. dentist appointment? whenever! then again, i also felt unproductive, unmotivated and invisible.

i know God meant for me to do this, i feel it in my heart at every moment and feel most at peace with myself at, of all places, a funeral home.

how many can say they've found that in life?!

but....

i wish my brain would slow down.
and my feet would un-swell.
the anxiety and self-doubt would cease.
the guilt of the juggle would lessen.

in the big scope of life, i am very blessed.
i know this to be true.

i tell myself each day as i'm driving to work,

life is good.
life is good.
life is good.

someday i might even believe it.

17 resumes

-3 rejections (no job openings)
-13 haven't heard from
1 resume hit the right eyes

1 call back
+ 1 interview
+ 1 second interview
= 1 job offer.

Still need to learn of lots of details but I start Tuesday for a trial run.

Fingers crossed --
it's a large, very successful firm that I could learn a lot from.
I hope it's a good fit for me.
And them.

Nervous, excited, nervous.

abbreviated update.

shocked. floored.
still feeling both those things.

i received 5 awards at graduation.
the most shockingly awesome two?

magna cum laude
VALEDICTORIAN.


-----------------------
Oh, and pertaining to the last post?
I passed my boards!

the fork in my road.

This is it.

It all comes down to this.

Grades mean nothing if I can't pass this hurdle.

Today's the day.

I'm petrified.

there are no words.

it's the final countdown.

8 exams down, 6 to go.

so far accomplished:

finished up embalming lab, restorative art lab, anatomy lab.
took funeral history, communications, restorative art (lecture), pathology (lecture), microbiology, anatomy (lecture) final exams.

today:
embalming (lecture) & accounting exams

tomorrow:
psychology & law exams

friday:
chemistry & funeral directing exams

HOME.

swinger.

Today I feel a little optimistic.

If I scroll my blog I see a theme.

Mood swings.

Like a pendulum
my moods swing
sometimes wildly
sometimes just a sway
but always swinging.


6 more days til I go home.
In 10 days I take my national board exam.

In 11 days I will sleep.
Perhaps right through days 12, 13 & 14.
and maybe 15 too.
-------------------------------------

Final Restorative Art project = 96%

f.o.c.u.s.

I woke up 2 hours ago knowing I have a really long 8 days of hardcore studying ahead of me for my final 10 finals. It stresses me. It frightens me. It angers me.

Angry?

Angry.

I've felt pressure to graduate first in my class from the moment I applied to this damn school. I've thought obsessed over it every single day for an entire year.

Last week, the classmate I think is going to earn it actually said the words, "hang up the idea, i got this" and it's probably true. I smiled, laughed it off and then the festering began to grow feverishly, faster, deeper than ever before. It's become far too much a part of me. I'm not envious, I'm honest-to-goodness proud of my fellow top classmates. I know what it took to be on top... well, I wish I knew. Apparently I didn't work hard enough to get there. I've nearly fucking killed myself studying but it just wasn't enough.

I asked an administrator last week point blank where I stand academically. She said she knew I was in the top 4 but couldn't remember if I was 3rd or 4th. I know who is #1 and #2.

The top 4 of us?
2 are young, single people. Priorities in life consist of themselves.
1 is married with a young child but lives with her family, goes home to them each day and tucks her baby in each night.
and then there's me.

Do I think I've *earned* this more than the other people above me because I'm a mom of 4, living 2 states away from them each week? no way. Do I think I live a different life than them, one perhaps a little more complicated, insane and full of guilt for juggling 2 distinctly different lives like I do? I'm no more deserving but for fucks sake, I should be able to feel proud of myself. Yet, in all truthfulness and honesty, I don't. The tape plays over and over in my head about losing the race. Did I get to the end? yes. Did I win? nope. The race is just over and I get to go home now. That about sums up my feelings.

I really want this madness stupidity to end.

The pressure and shame, yes shame, of not finishing first is unbearable. I should never have to feel this way.

In a truly big, passionate way this feeling of pressure, shame and obsession has overshadowed, and come quite close to ruining, my entire mortuary school experience. This mental pressure will be unfortunately a huge part of my memories of my time here.

I'm going into my finals with a 98.4% GPA.
Here goes nothing.
There is nothing more I can do.


If you're not first, you lose.
I hate those fucking words.